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| The Rage of Achilles, by Giovanni Battista Tiepolo |
Twitter meltdowns are common entertainment these days, so this is just going to be a more or less humorous take on what Achilles would be doing if he were part of the Twittersphere during the events of the Iliad. Yes I know, 140 characters or less.
Book I:
Army beset by plague. Time to call Chalcas. What's up with Apollo?
Chalcas says Chryseis must go. Agamemnon having a bitch fit. More at 11.
Agamemnon the f'ing ahole coming after my prize Briseis. Tells how greater he is than me. Outrage.
He wants us to obey his orders yet this cunt hasn't gone to battle ever. Fuck Agamemnon. Going back home.
Gonna kill this cunt.
Had a talk with Athena. Goddess checked my rage.
Agamemnon can go fuck himself. Better not come crying to me when Hector knocks his army flat.
Achaeans will beg to have Achilles back.
Handed over Briseis. Called mom. She'll get Zeus to hand me the glory.
Book IX:
So, Achaeans got their ass handed to them. Now Agamemnon sends Ajax, Odysseus, & Phoenix to beg. This gon b good.
Odysseus tells stories but Agamemnon offers many prizes but no hint of apology. Unsurprising.
If they think they can buy me back without question they're delusional.
Going home. This shit is just insulting.
Mom told me I'd either win undying glory here or go back home and live a long life. Glory's cut off now. Not worth it.
Phoenix now comes to beg.
He's telling me sob stories of us when I was young. I love the man, but I won't change my mind.
I have no interest in this Meleager shit.
He needs to stop his emotional diatribes. Time for sleep. Tomorrow I decide what to do.
Ajax now comes to get my attention.
Ajax says he longs to be one of my dearest friends and reminds me he offers seven beauties for the price of one.
Still, I'm staying here, until Hector fights near my own camp.
Then I'll put his rampage to rest.
Book XI:
Achaeans are getting their asses beat.
I think they're ready to kiss my ass this time.
Sending Patroclus out to see what's up.
Book XVI:
I'll relent. How can someone rage on forever?
Still, I'm not going out there. I'll send Patroclus out.
I'm confident he'll send the Trojans fleeing back to Troy.
Book XVIII:
Antilochus just told me the news I feared.
I knew this would happen...I knew it!
Hector's killed my best friend! He has my armor!
Mother tells me I'm doomed to die at the heels of Hector's death, so let me die at once!
Mother will get me new gear. Going out to stop the rampaging Trojans.
Roared at them, they fled like birds.
Patroclus' body brought tears to these eyes. Time to clean his body.
Before we lay him to rest...it's time for payback.
Book XIX:
Beautiful armor...time to go to battle!
Agamemnon wants a formal apology, Odysseus says the men need to rest.
I care not for such things.
To hell with these ceremonies! I want to drop some Trojans!
I will relent. Let my comrades eat and rest, but I will have none of it.
Who can eat when Patroclus' body isn't even cold?
It's time now. Mounting chariot. Time to kill.
Book XX:
Had an encounter with Aeneas. What a pushover!
Saw Hector. He escaped. I'll finish him next time!
Trojans falling like flies beneath my spear. Back2business.
Book XXI:
Look, it's Lycaon again.
Sold this guy into slavery. Now he's back before me!
STAB!
Killing more, throwing them in this river.
What the....this river is trying to kill me!
How dare it tell Achilles to stop killing in its waters!
Hephaestus brought the river to heel.
Glory will still be mine! More killing!
Book XXII:
Flee! Fleee before Achilles you Trojan dogs!
There's Hector!
Athena says she'll help me out, keep him outside the walls.
Chased Hector three times around Troy's walls, now he wants to fight!
DIE HECTOR!
His body...his body will be food for my dogs!
Driving his corpse back to camp.
Book XXIII:
The time has at last come to burn and bury Patroclus.
I have done all I could- monumental ornaments on the bier to send my dear friend off!
There will never be another Patroclus. A terrible loss to all of Achaea, to me most of all.
At the funeral games. To the best will go the prizes!
Book XXIV:
Drove Hector's body around Patroclus' bier again.
Though dead, my enmity of Hector will not stop.
Mother tells me that the gods decree I must hand Hector back.
Fine, let Priam send his herald with a ransom.
Astonished...did not expect Priam to be here.
The man made sense. He did not tempt my wrath.
My father will never see his son again, nor will Priam.
I will make sure the Trojans have 12 days to bury Hector.
War makes us all inhuman. We only recognize it when it's 2late.
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